Mom

Welcome to Mom Club

(started July 2017)

The first rule of Mom club is… wait, I’ll remember, just give me a minute. Ok I’m sure it’s in my huge bag somewhere, under these papers and diapers and… Wait, what were we talking about?

I’ve been a member of Mom club for almost 8 months now and I still find myself surprised as I gain new insight into what that means.

I expected sleep to be an issue. However, understanding something theoretically vs. knowing/experiencing it are two completely different things. I didn’t know that babies go through developmental jumps throughout babydom and that sleep usually gets screwed up by this and there’s no warning or sign of how long it will last. Going from little man sleeping through the night to waking up multiple times during the work week is rough. It’s search the internet, post in my Mom FB groups, and start questioning my ability to be a good Mom rough. It also almost always coincides with a big work presentation. Bruised baggy eyes are the new blazer.

I thought having a baby would complicate my life, but really it’s simplified things. I can’t make plans without figuring out who is picking up Nono from daycare, what he’s going to have for dinner, and who is going to put him to bed. There’s also a limit on how many times a week I can reasonably ask A. or family members to watch him so that means I have to rank the plans. Then you also factor in the fact that most days I want to be there with him when he’s awake and I want to put him to sleep for the night and all of a sudden I’m looking at a lot less plans on the schedule. He also is still napping multiple times a day and if he falls asleep in the car that throws his whole day off, so my plans with him are limited by how many hours awake he’s going to be able to put in and when he wakes up. Basically my life is the most structured it’s been in my adult life, but I’m not in charge of most of the structure. The best part of simplified life is that no matter what I’m stressing about, he wipes it clean. He’s the sun and when he’s awake and with me, he’s what I’m focused on and the rest fades to background noise. It’s rare that I leave work frustrated and come in the next day still carrying that with me.

His accomplishments tear me in two. I have a long list of things that I can’t wait to be able to do with him (someone who will want to watch Disney movies with me!), but sometimes the big milestones hurt. We moved him into hisown room last weekend and did this because it had become apparent that he would sleep better without us coming in. He doesn’t sleep as deeply and when we were coming into our room to go to bed he would sometimes get woken up and would almost always react in some way. It was time to move him and let him sleep undisturbed. I picked the weekend. I felt good about it and was excited to finally put his room to use and also start the chapter where he has his own space to grow into.

We put him down in his own room and everything went smoothly. Then I went downstairs and sobbed until I went to bed. I’d loved hearing his babble when he’d wake up (most of the time), sometimes he’d even sound like he was having an argument with himself (or imaginary friends). I’d loved being able to look over and see him peacefully sleeping. I’d loved the sound of his little sleepy breaths. And now that period of babydom was over just like that. He went from being with me for every moment for 9 months, then to maternity leave and his own crib but still in our room, then he went to daycare during the day while I went to work, and now he was in his own room, the furthest from me yet.

They constantly tell you that it’s all over so quickly (because that’s like super helpful right? Yeah this is all wonderful but it’s going to be over quickly and you’re going to be really sad, just sayin’). And for a while, I lived in that anxiety of having to capture everything in my mind and experience everything as much as possible before it was gone, but then I realized what they don’t tell you… It keeps getting better.

I do find myself more present than I can ever recall being because of the attention he requires and the joy I experience with him. I do still play on my phone and my thoughts wander, but I also have a spotlight on him where he is capturing all of my focus and it’s wonderfully simple. Such as, he’ll be in a giggle mood so I will drop everything and continue to do whatever it is that is making him giggle for as long as we can keep it going because it’s magic.

And each developmental step he takes forward he leaves a piece of baby behind that we won’t ever return to and that is sad, but each step brings him more into being able to connect with us, express himself, and develop into his own person.

IMG_3039

 

Advertisements

♥ne

They told me it would go by quickly, but they didn’t tell me is that it would just keep getting better and better and I wouldn’t be left to dwell on the endings but would revel in the new beginnings.

A year flew by, but unlike other years, I felt incredibly present in it. I’m not surprised it’s been a year because it’s been jampacked and amazing.

A year has turned a little burrito into a laughing, walking, dancing, and babbling little boy. (more…)

A First Mother’s Day

It’s my first Mother’s Day as a Mom. My son is 6 months old and we took advantage of that and went to a nice restaurant for brunch. I’m anticipating future Mother’s Days may lean towards activities that support a lack of ability to keep still.

My favorite thing as a Mom is to hear Nono’s giggle. It’s insanely adorable and I’m not sure there is anything I enjoy more on the planet, not even the GutterPunk coffee at Envie. (You think I joke, but talk to me about the combination of booze and coffee in-person and watch my face light up).

My favorite Nono book is the Pout Pout fish. Whoever gifted him that, thank you. I’ve turned it into the Pout Pout Fish rap, which I’m sure A. is grateful for. Nono has started getting interested in books beyond just eating them and I am delighted.

We do a lot of dancing and clapping right now. Nono hasn’t started doing either, but he really enjoys when we do. Hopefully, some kid takes pity on him and teaches him how to actually dance, otherwise he’s doomed with us as examples. But at least we’re having fun.

Nono’s favorite activity is smashing. I have a feeling this is phase that will last him quite some time. He’s just realized he can hold things in his hand and smack things with them, nothing can wrong with that right? Our friend’s 6 month old spent about an hour with us yesterday and her Mom said she wasn’t a smasher, well by the end of lunch she was. You’re welcome.

My Mom celebrated Mother’s Day by opening her very own garden shop, a longtime dream. I’m really proud of her and she continues to be a great example to me to not give up on dreams and continue to try new things. Someday I’ll write that book…

Thank you to my village of Moms. I appreciate all of the in-person, phone calls, emails, and Facebook responses to my many questions and moments of “OMG!” Some of you I’ve known most of my life and some of you I’m just getting to know, you’re all amazing and I am so grateful for your help and support. I know that Nono and I are both better for it.

Happy Mother’s Day.

Some Days Are Awesome

Everyone tells you that the first 6 weeks are the hardest, and I am seriously hoping that’s true. Yesterday was a tough one with lack of sleep and fussiness. I also may have spent some of Thanksgiving sobbing in the dark because he wouldn’t stop crying and it’s really heartbreaking when that happens. Today is a good day though.

I took issue, before I had my baby, with people calling it a job, usually in the context of “the hardest job” or “hardest working” when referring to at home Moms. I understand better now why it gets the comparison, but I still don’t think it’s applicable or fair to either side. My baby is not a job, I know this because he can’t fire me and I’m not getting paid. I also don’t get time off right now. It was pretty rare that my job cost me a full night’s sleep. I could also call in sick to my job and take vacation.

Right now I am 24-7 Moming it. I’m breastfeeding so that means I’m the only source of food, so if he’s up, I’m up. We also don’t have any sort of schedule yet because he’s a newborn so I’m not leaving him for more than an hour, which I’ve done once in 16 days (but who’s counting). He’s made me happier than any job ever has and my last two jobs haven’t made me cry. At work anyways. I’m also pretty good at my job, I am a complete novice to baby care. I watch in awe as other experienced Moms can hold him and comfort him seemingly without any effort, while it’s more of a 40/60 success rate for me.

But today is a good day. Today is one of those awesome, I am so glad to be on maternity leave and not at my day job, days. Last night we managed to avoid any 2-hour awake periods, so I got sort of a fullish night sleep in my shifts. I was able to eat breakfast and coffee at a reasonable hour while he chilled in his swing. We had a secret project that we did this morning that went awesome. And we just went for a 45 minute stroller walk that got him to sleep and got me and Wallace some exercise, and one of my best friends called and I got to catch up with her while out and about. I finally looked at our insurance options and was able to make a decision on where to add him. And I ate lunch at a normal time before I was starving and desperate for food. Tonight my parents are coming and will get to meet him for the first time.

Today is a good day.

img_4461

I’m Thankful for Nono

2016 was a rough year for our country. A lot of terrible and tough things have happened and a lot of people are ready to close the books on it and not look back. For me, however, 2016 is a year I will treasure forever. 2016 is when we welcomed our son into the world.

It’s been a tough journey getting to him. It started in 2014 and was derailed by a cancer diagnosis. I had to deal with the risk that chemo brings of never being able to have kids. But I was lucky and got pregnant soon after my doctor gave me the green light this year. That was followed by a pregnancy that was anything but glowing. I had trouble gaining weight due to the nausea that plagued me for almost the entire pregnancy, I was exhausted, sore, and all of the normal pregnancy challenges. I spent several hours in the hospital when I went into preterm labor, afraid and not ready. Luckily Nono decided to wait a few more weeks. We had another scare when my midwife picked up an arrhythmia and there were also concerns about his growth. After hours spent in fear limbo, we were again cleared. Finally Nono joined our family after 32.5 hours of labor, healthy and without needing a c-section.

It was love at first sight. Even though he proceeded to poop on me twice within his first few minutes of outside the womb life. Everything I had been afraid of in becoming a Mom (what about everything I would be giving up? what if I didn’t bond immediately? ) faded away and didn’t matter at all. Being a Mom is like breathing, it doesn’t require thought. My world shifted in an irrevocable way and I didn’t even feel it happen.

There are challenges. I cry pretty much every day. I think the blog “why is my son crying” could have a precursor blog for new families called “why is Mommy crying?” Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s hard, there’s a lot of crazy emotional surge going on post baby. The struggle is real.

There’s a lot of things you can’t prepare for. I understood I wouldn’t be getting much sleep, but it’s different knowing that in theory and living with not knowing how much sleep I’ll get in a night or when I’ll get woken up. It’s really tough. Most physically tough things you have the ability to tell yourself you just need to get through an amount of time and it’ll get better. It may be years before I can sleep in my own bed and get 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. Luckily the reason that I’m going through sleep deprivation torture has the sweetest face and I love him with all of my heart. Once I manage to get myself up it’s all better, sometimes I sit there at 3am just looking at him as he’s fallen back asleep and marveling at how beautiful he is.

I also have an amazing partner in this that I am thankful for. He continues to take care of me through the good stuff and the tough stuff and he’s also head over heels for our beautiful son.

So thank you 2016 for changing my life in the best way possible.

img_4353