love

The Best Is Yet To Come

Ten years ago, today, A. and I went on our first date. I’m retiring our dating anniversary after this, but I think ten years is something to celebrate. It’s amazing how long ten years can seem, but in this context it seems like it’s flown by.

This last year was probably the hardest, but it was also one of the best with the many adventures we had. I think there are two mindsets you can walk away with from a life/death experience: you can focus more on the present and making each day really count or you can keep looking ahead and believing in the good things to come. I am not the put a smile on it and make cupcakes in the morning and greet each day kind of gal. I am totally cool with continuing to waste some days and having ups and downs. I refuse to live each day as my last or even entertain that mentality (because it’s pretty morbid it you think about it) and it puts so much pressure to be so goddamn cheerful and grateful all the time (I’m getting off track here). Instead I’m loving the good things we’ve had and done, but I’m also believing there is so much ahead of us to look forward to.

In ten years we’ve visited twelve countries together, not counting airport layovers. Before A. I’d only been to Canada once, and being from Vermont that barely counts as a foreign country. I didn’t need a passport. We’ve visited at least 21 states (not counting drive throughs) and lived in five together. I’ve lost track of the number of different homes we’ve had together, I would guess around 15. We’ve also been taken in by my parents, my aunt, A.’s aunt and uncle, and a good friend. We’ve adopted three fuzzy terrorists that enrich our lives when they’re not destroying them. We’re on our fourth car and had one scooter. We’ve each experienced a major hurricane that made us fear for our families and helped each other through it. We’ve experienced the loss of people we’ve loved together and we’ve survived a cancer diagnosis and treatment. All in all, I have no doubt that we have so much yet to come and we’ll be able to handle anything.

Come and let us live my Deare,
Let us love and never feare,
What the sowrest Fathers say:
Brightest Sol that dies to day
Lives againe as blithe to morrow,
But if we darke sons of sorrow
Set; o then, how long a Night
Shuts the Eyes of our short light!
Then let amorous kisses dwell
On our lips, begin and tell
A Thousand, and a Hundred, score
An Hundred, and a Thousand more,
Till another Thousand smother
That, and that wipe of another.
Thus at last when we have numbred
Many a Thousand, many a Hundred;
Wee’l confound the reckoning quite,
And lose our selves in wild delight:
While our joyes so multiply,
As shall mocke the envious eye.

Out of Catullus
-RICHARD CRASHAW

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Weddings Cure Cancer

At least that’s my theory. And I don’t mean planning a wedding for yourself, that may cause cancer. Another theory. I mean weddings where you get to watch two friends make that special commitment to each other and you get dressed up and then you get to eat delicious things and drink for free. It is like an explosion of happy things and if that doesn’t cure cancer I guess we’ll have to turn to science.

I have three compelling examples supporting this theory:

1. The first trip I made after my initial surgery, which I had a really tough time recovering from, was for my childhood friend’s wedding. In an example of the universe aligning, she happened to be marrying a friend of mine from high school so it was great to see two people I knew and cared for separately find each other and make each other happy. I wasn’t sure how I’d do, but I made it to the wedding and through the ceremony and it was wonderful. I really love the photo I got of us too.

Maria's wedding

Maria’s wedding

1. In early December when my immune system was at one of it’s lowest points, I flew connecting flights to SF for a wedding and did not get sick. I did wear the shameful SARS mask, but whatever. It was flu season and I rode on four airplanes and spent time in 4 different airports, two of them multiple times. I also managed to do everything I had planned. I also got on a plane four days after getting dosed with poison and still had a great time. The only low point was when I wanted to murder the Southwest desk lady who suggested I waited for everyone to board if I was having a tough time, right before announcing that anyone with children or disabilities that need to pre-board should see her. I still wish some bad things on her that I will not put in print.

2. I had my final big surgery the beginning of March and a wedding in Kansas City last weekend. I made it and even danced. This is just ridiculous because I was told 4-6 weeks to be able to go back to work (if I had a job) and that the drains usually stay in really long in the hip. I got those suckers out in record time and was off the pain meds after two weeks. Advil is a good friend of mine these days, but only intermittently. It also came in perfect time because I was feeling really low. I think it was a mix of recovery (pretty normal for major surgeries) and being home a lot by myself (and fuzzy companions that never want to talk about Rob Kardashian posting that photo of the Gone Girl covered in blood and comparing it to Kim, I mean WTF?). I wasn’t homesick for SF, but I was really homesick for my friends and family in SF. The KC wedding included a lot of them which was an amazing pick me up when I really needed it.

Next up we have three more weddings between now and the end of May and then another in November. I’m pretty sure this means I’ll never get cancer again.

For Better or Worse

When you get married and you vow to be together through good times and bad you don’t really know what your promising. For most of us it’s impossible to know the challenges and victories that a life together will bring.

Today is our third anniversary and I doubt very much that three years ago either one of us would have said “hospital” if you’d asked us where we’d be on our third anniversary. And yet… We are going out for a nice dinner later though so not all cancer filled.

Other things I couldn’t imagine thinking would be true on our third anniversary:

>Anton’s hair would be longer than mine

>My hair would be blue

>We’d both be unemployed

>I’d have gotten a boob job

>There would be a pirate flag hanging over our bed

I doubt that we’d have expected to be living at my parent’s house either, but it’s been said before that “life is what happens when you’re busy making plans.”

I would do things differently if I could, but the important thing is that we’re together (he spent our first anniversary at a funeral so we are actually improving things) and that we love each other very much. This very difficult thing has done nothing to our relationship and every day we see how much we love each other through the difficulty each day brings. I know that I am very much looking forward to the rest of our life because I know it’s only going to get better and I am so happy that I get to spend it with him.

There is not much in this life that is certain, plans can come undone at the drop of a hat, but me loving him is my one certainty and the best on I could have.

Cheers to three years and the many more to come.

September 10, 2011

September 10, 2011

Engagement photo in the barn across from my parent's house (where we are now)

Engagement photo in the barn across from my parent’s house (where we are now)

Glacier National Park on our road trip earlier this year

Glacier National Park on our road trip earlier this year

P.S. Thank you to two ladies who are very special to me and let me share their birthday. Happy Birthday Cristina and Ashley.