Ella Henderson

I’m Still Here

So this post will probably be less chipper than normal because I’m in day 5 of my new chemo, and day 4/5 tends to be when you get the chemo blues which sounds nicer than saying you get depressed. Except I guess I just said it anyways.

As I mentioned in earlier posts, I was hoping that taxol would be easier, but not expecting it. As ever, I am my own unique snowflake and it hasn’t been easier, it’s just been a new and different form of torture to get through in this cancer journey. Fun times. Like I said in the first sentence, less chipper.

I felt much better after getting the taxol than the AC and woke up feeling pretty good too. This is where I made some mistakes. I decided to eat like a normal person the day after chemo. Not a good move. Maybe I would have gotten just as sick anyways because you never know with this stuff, but maybe I wouldn’t have. Either way, I won’t be doing that again. I feel like a true member of the chemo club now that I’ve spent several hours throwing up and laying on the bathroom floor. The doctor and nurses always want to know “did you throw up” and finally I get to say “yep”. I also had severe stomach cramps for the entire time, so it was pretty much what I imagine hell to be like in some form. We even called the doctor I felt so bad, the cool thing was that instead of putting us to the on-call person, they actually paged my doctor and he called us back. Pretty damn amazing. He didn’t really have anything to do other than tell me to take whatever anti-nausea meds I had and stick to fluids until I made it to the other side. The main thing they’re concerned with is infection so as long as I don’t have a temperature of 100.4 or greater they’re probably not going to have me come to the hospital, which is pretty much fine for me.

So I made it through that awfulness and then moved onto the achinessĀ and bone pain that taxol is famous for. It’s pretty lame. Since my stomach hasn’t been 100% and I also get the achiness thing, I’m not ready to say this is easier than A/C. I’d say they’re about the same just totally different. The achiness isn’t bad, like no sharp pain or anything that I’m currently willing to take more than advil for, but it sucks to be in pain most of the time. I’m on day 4 of having near constant pain that isn’t enough to do anything major about, but as a constant state of being just really sucks. It’s mostly in my my feet and legs, but every now and then it gets more ambitious and I get it in my back or arms or neck or chest. So many body parts to have fun with. (seriously lacking in chipper).

I take claritin to help with the pain and advil and I’m going to start acupuncture on Monday. I’m hoping at least it will stop after a week like the A/C side effects and I can do a week on or week off. The first time is also hard because I don’t know what to expect for side effect severity and length, it helps to know after this what it will be like. I’m also very hopeful that this will be like the A/C and the first time will be bad (like it is now) and each time will be easier afterwards. This has a good chance, so fingers crossed.

This is my new power jam/cry to/sing loudly song. Not sure how I came across it, but it’s working for me right now. There aren’t any good “I have cancer and this sucks and I need to scream at the world/prove that I’m still here songs” so chick breakup songs seem to fill the nicheĀ as best they can.

I’m still here.