I had a whole other sparkly happy post that I planned to write, but it’s on the back shelf because it’s just not where I am today. Today I am angry and sitting firmly in the chair that says “Cancer Sucks”. I’m wearing black, I have spiky hair, thick black eye liner, and am glaring at everything around me.
It’s hard to have bad days on two levels. The first is that having cancer at 30 is hard to go through in general so when it’s a bad day that’s a lot to take on because I’m already dealing with so much just to get through this. The second level that it’s hard on goes back to my very first post about this where I talked about how I don’t want people saying “they’re sorry”. It’s the same idea where when I have a bad day I know it makes the people who love me feel bad/worried/sad and I want to cheer them up/not be responsible for more worry where I’m concerned.
But it’s part of the deal, I have bad days and this is my space to be able to get some of that out. Today is also day 5 of chemo cycle and that tends to be a low one in general mentally.
Like I said last week, my trip to SF was very fortunate in that I didn’t have a lot of issues with side effects from Taxol. This week I am not so lucky and obviously I’d much rather have it this way, but being that it’s my body and I’m experiencing it, it still sucks. Bone pain really really sucks. Muscle pain is way better because it feels like I worked out which is kind of funny. I’m ratcheting up my internal age to 80 or so today based on pain. It also sucks because this is day 3 of the pain and it’s the worst one yet (with this cycle) which is frustrating. I’m assuming at this point that it will be like my first taxol dose and I’m not going to be out of the woods with the pain for several days which is a bleak prospect. I’m also one of those people that does not like taking meds and to not be miserable right now I’m taking meds for the pain, so just adding to the list of things I don’t like that’s currently my day. It’s a fragile scale I’m working with of things I don’t like and things I can deal with and today is tipping it.
Indulging in a bad day makes me feel a bit like a kid having a temper tantrum in that it feels a bit spoiled. When you have cancer everyone tells you how brave and strong you are which can feel more like being told what you should be and when you have day like this that you don’t feel like being strong and brave because it’s more effort than you can put in, you feel like you’re breaking the rules. There’s some satisfaction in that, a bit like my coffee indulgence. I harbor a not so secret hatred of the happy smiley photos of women that are on every single Breast Cancer retreat/group/info thing and take a lot of satisfaction in my infrequent bad days because guess what, cancer sucks, no one is smiling about the shit we have to go through.