Two Steps Forward, One Step Back

So I found out that the PET scan that I did yesterday was clear so other than tiny microscopic cancers that haven’t developed into anything, I am clear of cancer anywhere other than my left boob. Very good news.  Based on this blog, you all can imagine my jubilation. I found out at 8am this morning after not a great night sleep, so I forgot to tell A. who was not pleased with me. Oops.

Today I found out that my Monday surgery is more in-depth than I was originally told which sucks a lot. For the last couple of weeks I’ve been undergoing IVF treatment because there’s a decent enough chance that Chemo will kill my baby chances. Super fun having cancer at 30, have I mentioned that yet? It’s not a sure thing and there are lots of people that have babies after chemo, but like I said, it’s not a sure thing.

So before I get my boob chopped off and have chemo, I’ve been giving myself shots in the stomach 2-3 times a day. I know you’re all super jelly of me right now. I shot up in a fancy hotel in Boston this weekend and a parking lot yesterday, so I’m feeling pretty edgy these days. I’m totally ready to party with Kate Moss as soon as she calls me. Most of the time women do this they get to be excited about the fact that they’ll be trying to have a kid right away; try being excited about putting your kids on layaway for 2 years while giving yourself a shot in the stomach. I can hardly contain my excitement.

So the result of this is my body being all messed up on hormones (I started almost crying in the revolutionary war cemetery in Boston this weekend), being bloated, and now my ovaries kind of hurt/are uncomfortable while walking. This also equals a ton of doctors visits and ultrasounds that are cruel and unusual punishments. They literally don’t have enough time in a week to do all the things they want to do to me between this and the cancer, it’s insane. This week I was at the doctor’s Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and will be there Friday and Saturday with my surgery on Monday. Cancer is the best non-paying full time job ever. Saturday is when they take the eggs out and I can stop the shots, so really looking forward to that one. It’s also unfortunately another knock me out surgery, so I have to go under three times in a little over a week. I was trying to think of a witty blackout joke here, but just am not up to it right now. so [insert joke about blacking out in college here].

The shitty news I found out today is that they’re taking some lymph nodes to test on Monday. This is standard procedure, not because anything else is wrong, and allows them to be prepared to take more during my big surgery or none at all of these are clear. This totally sucks because instead of just the abdominal minor surgery I now will also have a 2-3 inch incision with things removed around my boob. Given that I’m still sore from my tiny incision from my biopsy over a week ago, I’ll be uncomfortable every day up until my big surgery. Doesn’t that put things in perspective for you that with all the shitty news, this is THE shitty news for me right now? Somehow I’ve accepted everything else going on, but any changes just throw me off.

It just really sucks that going into something that’s going to be really physically and mentally traumatic, I’m not going to get any time with my body to be comfortable and appreciate it since I got diagnosed, so I’m having a cry day today.

inevitable: adjective: 1. unable to be avoided, evaded, or escaped; certain; necessary

Luckily I can blame my cry day on the fact that I’m hopped up on way too many hormones rather than an actual normal reaction to all the stuff happening to me. The crazy thing is that I had two hospital days scheduled this week and ended up with five.

On better news, I have Batman: Arkham City and Twilight: Breaking Dawn pt 2 coming in the mail today. It’s the little things. And one of my bffs and her fiance coming on Friday. Keeps me out of the doldrums.

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