Like a ship in a storm

It’s been a really hard year. My grandfather was in the hospital for a lot of January and February before passing away in February. He had dementia which worsened as his health declined and he had to stay in the hospital. It was a truly horrific experience for the family to go through, especially given how much he hated hospitals and to see him be so unhappy for so long.

Like all death, it doesn’t get better, it just feels less sharp with time. I did welcome my 28th birthday last week with tears as I thought about the fact that this would be the first year of my life that he wasn’t a part of. I’m getting a little teary eyed now in fact.

A few months later, my grandmother broke her wrist badly trying to get to the bus by herself which was pretty scary. It’s been unbearably hard for her without her life partner and then also not being able to really have any independence. I had to inform her yesterday that the reason her wrist was hurting so much was because she was using her cane on that arm and it was too much for her wrist right now which means she can’t go out by herself. A very serious loss of freedom.

Today she had a stroke that was mild, but then it got bad and when I saw her it was heartbreaking. I’m not sure how things are going to go these next few days and it feels out of control.

Normally I’m pretty private on here, but I feel a little broken right now and just wanted to send it out into the universe. There’s nothing I can do but be there with her and be there for the rest of my family and take each day one at a time. She’s my last living grandparent and I need her to be ok.

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